The Future Revealed!

As we embark on another new year, it’s time for some predictions. I have read the tea leaves, dusted off my crystal ball, dragged the Ouija Board up from the basement, poured over Astrological charts and consulted the Spirit World. Thus, having peered into the misty days ahead, I can state with complete metaphysical certitude that I have divined what shall come to pass in 2012.

Technology:

  • Microsoft will release Windows 8 (Code Name “Apple OS 9 circa 1999”), which will be quickly followed by Service Packs 1 through 72 within 6 months.
  • Apple will reveal that Steve Jobs continues to drive the development of new products, using an app unavailable to the general public.

The Environment:

  • Strange weather patterns and violent storms will be experienced worldwide, providing concrete proof for both Climate Change believers and deniers.
  • Al Gore will stage a series of world-wide debates with anti-environmentalists, the transcripts of which will be littered with the phrases “Is so!” and “Is not!”, with the occasional “I know you are but what am I?”

The World:

  • Investors will experience volatility, the Middle East will experience instability and China will experience inscrutability.
  • While details of North Korea’s nuclear program will continue to leak out, one state secret will remain hidden: Kim Jong-un, the new leader of North Korea, refers to himself as “Highpockets”.
  • Iran will increase their efforts to annoy the rest of the world, garnering them the title “Liver of the Persian Gulf”.

Politics:

  • A previously unknown politician will shock and amaze the nation by focusing on governing instead of re-election. 30 days later, he will be discovered naked at the Lincoln Memorial, babbling about compromise and President Franklin Pierce.
  • Following national elections, Americans will awake the next day to realize that nothing has changed. There will also be a big, big surprise in the election results. Not to me, of course, but to the rest of you.

Business & Economics:

  • The US economy will continue to slowly recover, and by late summer several significant positive indicators will be evident, including a decision by the President’s Council of Economic Advisors to consistently refer to the financial outlook as “peachy”.
  • A major corporation will cease operations before mid-year. Though specifics remain murky, I am certain it will either be an airline, a technology firm or a regional chain of discount tanning salons.
  • The job market will improve, strengthened by rapid hiring by airlines, technology firms and discount tanning salons.

Sports & Entertainment:

  • Professional Soccer will be continue to be “The Sport Of The Future” in the US.
  • “Kardashian Fever” will continue unabated, leading to over 320,000 casualties.

And Finally:

  • Though the Mayan Calendar ends on 12/21/2012, the world itself will not.

If I’m wrong about that last one, I promise to give each of my readers $5.00.

Today’s Fact-Cetera

Remember this tomorrow: an average person will forget 80% of what they learned today.

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