My Fellow Americans:
When I—Clarence Lingermueller—began my campaign to be your next Congressman, I was told it was a long shot. I was told there would be scurrilous attacks from my opponent. I was told that people wouldn’t respond to my message. I was told nobody knew who I was. I was told that I was wasting my time. I was told I couldn’t win.
I didn’t listen then. And I’m not listening now.
Ask anyone: I am not now—nor have I ever been—a listener. I’ve ignored advice my whole life. Ask my parents. Ask my siblings. Ask my classmates. Ask my past employers. Ask any of my four ex-wives.
I just don’t listen.
So when my opponent and his minions cast their aspersions, I don’t listen. When they accuse me of being unable to hold a job, I don’t listen. When they claim I have no morals or ethics, I don’t listen. When they dredge up old stories of fraud and misappropriation of funds, I don’t listen.
Let me be clear: I don’t listen. Never. To anyone. I just don’t.
When the Establishment says I’m unelectable, I don’t listen. When the media elite dismiss my candidacy, I don’t listen. And when potential donors tell me they don’t want to waste their money on me, I don’t listen.
Instead, I will continue to battle on toward Election Day. And I want you to join me in this glorious adventure! Or don’t. See if I care.
It’s not like I’m listening.
The technical name of a kazoo is membranophone.