To: J. Foster Pierpoint, CEO, ColossalCo Industries, inc.
From: Simpson Klarg, VP Operations
With your customary brilliance, you have deemed that ColossalCo must improve its cost reduction efforts, while simultaneously strengthening employee engagement. In that regard, I feel compelled to both applaud your leadership and propose the following suggestions for your consideration:
- What could possible be more costly and wasteful that having a computer for each employee? In my walks around the office, I rarely see anyone actually using their computer, and certainly never two people at a time. So why not create a “Employee Engagement Computer Center” with one PC that can be shared by all? Not only would this produce cost savings, but think of the fellowship and camaraderie that will result from people coming together to avail themselves of the computer.
- Copies are not only expensive, but it is far too easy to over-copy documents that do not warrant it. So why not charge for copying? This will provide extra revenue, as well as helping employees ask the vital question: Is this copy necessary? For even more revenue (as well as engaging fun) why not take a page from the Gaming industry and create a Slot Machine that copies? If you get 3 cherries, you get 50 copies! Of course, sometimes you will get no copies at all, but hey, that’s the fun! This might also help attract those “senior re-entry” employees who work so cheaply and are far more loyal than the average 20-50 year old. For added revenue, a change machine that provides 3 quarters for $1.00 could be installed in the lunchroom, providing convenience and profit!
- Are individual offices, desks, chairs, etc. really necessary? Do they not foster a sense of individuality and discourage employee engagement? Why not replace all offices (except for top management, of course) with a large “Engagement Area” with long wooden tables and stools? (Higher tables could erase the need for stools at all.) Remember those pictures from factories and offices earlier this century? Rows and rows of happy employees, toiling away with a distinct look on their faces, a look that says, “I’m really engaged here!” Consider: these employees represented the most productive, wealth-producing workers of their time. Is it any coincidence that the rise of the individual office and comfy office furniture correlates directly with the drop in personal productivity and the fragmentation of organizational cohesiveness? I think not.
- Do we really need to have all these lights? Removing personal light fixtures and 3/4 of the overhead lights will reduce costs and improve concentration skills.
- Carpeting is expensive and difficult to maintain. Why not replace it with dirt? It’s cheap, and plentiful!
- Outsourcing office cleaning services is costly, so why not fine employees who fail to keep their work areas tidy?
- Paying employees for vacation, illness and holidays would appear to be a disincentive. Why not charge them instead? That way, they’ll be more compelled to stay engaged!
Well, I’m sure you have important things to do, so I’ll stop for now. But as more ideas come to me, I’ll certainly pass them along.
95% of the paperwork filed in an average office will never be seen again.