Gotcha, You Pesky Little Boson!

Decades of work by thousands of scientists has finally paid off. Those zany physicists at CERN – the international particle physics laboratory in Geneva and home to the Large Hadron Collider – announced the discovery of the furtive Higgs boson. The estimated cost of this discovery was $13.25 billion, but scientists in the know say it was well worth it.

According to Martin Archer, a physicist at Imperial College in London, “The Higgs boson is the last missing piece of our current understanding of the most fundamental nature of the universe.” Apparently, this little guy explains how other particles get their mass.

Well, THAT’s cleared up.

Theoretical physicists are beside themselves with excitement, but most of the rest of us are left wondering how this discovery will affect our lives. Sure, it’s kind of cool that the Higgs boson looks the same whether the observer is moving or stationary. But as far as being news I can use, it’s got nothing on some other significant – and I would argue, more readily applicable — science breakthroughs.

In 2008, Javier Morales, Miguel Apátiga, and Victor M. Castaño of Universidad Nacional Autónoma de México created diamonds from liquid…specifically, from tequila. Forgot it was your anniversary? Didn’t get a gift for your wife? Hey, Booze Mart is still open. Grab a bottle of José Cuervo and presto! Instant Bling!

In 2010, Alessandro Pluchino, Andrea Rapisarda, and Cesare Garofalo of the University of Catania, Italy demonstrated mathematically that organizations would become more efficient if they promoted people at random. Haven’t you always suspected that? Well, now there’s irrefutable scientific proof!

And finally, I draw your attention to a scholarly study by James Watson of Massey University, New Zealand. The title? “The Significance of Mr. Richard Buckley’s Exploding Trousers.” I have no idea what that significance is, but it’s gotta be vitally important!

For the time being, I’ll take the brainiacs’ word for it: the discovery of the Higgs boson is big doings. But let’s not lose sight of the fact that one of the things it provides mass for are the particles that make up tequila, diamonds, inept employees…

…and of course, both Richard Buckley AND his exploding trousers.


Non-dairy creamer is flammable.


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