The Candidate Clarifies

From Lingermueller For Congress Campaign Headquarters…

It has come to my attention that there are questions in the minds of some as to the accuracy of recent statements I have made. Despite the fact that most of these questions are the product of the Media Elite who are threatened by my candidacy and the fellow travelers of my opponent who will stop at nothing to defeat me, I want to set the record straight…once and for all.

First and foremost, let me clarify that when I claimed to have created jobs, it is perhaps slightly more accurate to say that I have “helped” create jobs. Investigators, court personnel, prison employees and parole officers…all benefited from my activities in past years. And let me just give a shout-out to C Block…What up, dawgs?

Secondly, in regard to my statement that I have never had an inappropriate relationship with a female co-worker, it is important to recognize that  “inappropriate” and “co-worker” are rather vague terms. By the way, I have never had an inappropriate relationship with a male co-worker, either. So don’t bother sniffing up that tree.

Thirdly, when I announced that I had a plan for turning around the economy, I might have added that it is a “plan-in-progress.” I have several brilliant ideas that—while perhaps not a “plan” per se—certainly constitute a process of planning on my part. Some will continue to pick nits, but I know what I know.

And finally, when I accused my opponent of being a Socialist, upon further reflection and research, I now believe it is more accurate to say “dirty Commie” or “left-wing stooge”.

I apologize for any misunderstandings, and hope that this puts to rest the assertions from my opponent and others of his ilk that I have lied. At worst, I am simply guilty of inadvertent ambiguity.

But in the end, one thing remains as true as true can be: if elected, I will be the same man I am today. Only more so.

Today’s Fact-Cetera

Cats have no collarbones.

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