Fireworks At The Candidates’ Debate

“As of today, the gloves are off.”

So stated Clarence Lingermueller, candidate for Congress from the 42nd District, prior to last night’s debate with his opponent, H. Bud Plackner.

It didn’t take long for Lingermueller to make good on his promise. In his opening remarks, the long-shot candidate launched a fusillade at Plackner and his supporters.

“I have been the victim of a barrage of personal attacks, mudslinging, unproven allegations and outright lies,” claimed Lingermueller. “All of which are unprecedented in modern politics. That’s right, America…there is no precedent. None.”

Lingermueller emptied his Thesaurus on his opponent, with a dizzying array of synonyms for “liar” that only ended when the moderator called time.

When accused by Plackner of being “disingenuous”, Lingermueller flaunted the 3 units of English Composition he took at West Central Community College (North Campus) with a challenge: “Spell ‘disingenuous’, smart guy.”

Lingermueller kept Plackner on the defensive throughout the debate by constantly interrupting with “I know you are, but what am I?”

Asked afterward if he considered the debate a low point in the campaign, Lingermueller covered his ears with his hands and said, “La la la, I can’t hear you.”

The event was sponsored by the local chapter of the League of Women Voters. A spokesperson for the League stated there were no plans for future debates.

Today’s Fact-Cetera

Mark Twain called the accordion a “stomach Steinway”.

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