My Fellow Americans:
The voters have spoken, and it is now clear that my opponent has won the election. I began this campaign with a dream…a dream that a regular guy with no political experience and no real qualifications could be elected as your Congressman. In service to that dream, I vowed to run a positive campaign without the personal attacks and mudslinging so common in today’s political landscape.
From the first day of my campaign, I vowed not to listen. And tonight, as it becomes clear that the voice of the people has been raised in almost complete support of my opponent…well, you can guess my reaction.
I’m not listening.
Therefore, I am announcing my intention to continue this campaign. I won’t listen to those who say the election’s over. I won’t listen to those who say the other guy won. And I certainly won’t listen to those who say I’ve got a screw loose.
Where is it written our beloved Constitution that a candidate has to stop running for office simply because he has “lost” the election?
I have often said that there is no greater endeavor than to run for public office. So I will continue to run with all that I have within me, secure in the knowledge that someday I will reach my goal.
This glorious land we call America has a long and storied history of candidates who refused to take No for an answer. It is to them that I have turned for inspiration. When called by a reporter to explain his perennial candidacy, Harold Stassen replied with quiet wisdom: “How’d you get this number?”
It is that spirit I continue this mighty quest. To paraphrase the immortal Bluto in “Animal House”: it ain’t over ’til I decide it is.
Onward to victory!
In Australia, Santa’s sleigh is pulled by kangaroos.