The Peril That Purrs

Radon…Tainted Food…SARS Virus…Sharks…Poisonous Plants…Falling Meteorites…Zombies…the list of things we fear will kill us goes on and on.

But perhaps the biggest threat—the one thing we should fear, but don’t—may be living right in your own home!

According to such veracious sources as the Smithsonian Conservation Biology Institute and the US Fish and Wildlife Service, there is an unmatched killing machine that slinks among us. It’s homicidal carnage is astonishing: an estimated 2.4 billion birds and 12.3 billion mammals killed each and every year! That’s nearly 15 BILLION victims annually.

Compare and contrast with annual deaths from some other so-called threats:

  • Radon: 20,000
  • Tainted food: 3,000
  • SARS Virus: 774 in 2003 outbreak.
  • Sharks: 5
  • Poisonous plants: <5
  • Falling Meteorites: <1
  • Zombies: Zero…none…ever; Zombies (like moderate Republicans) don’t exist.

That means that this quiet killer is over 750,000 times more dangerous than Radon!

And who is this artful assassin? This baleful butcher? This sneaky slaughterer?

The cat.

Yes, that cuddly ball of fur you love so much could be plotting your demise at this very moment!

“But hold on,” you say. “That research found that cats kill birds and mammals, not humans.”

Think it through, Chum. Humans are mammals. I know I am, and I’m pretty sure about you.

Doesn’t it make sense that this purring predator’s blood lust won’t long be satisfied by wrens and squirrels? Isn’t it just a matter of time before your treacherous Tabby turns her claws to larger game? Ever woken up to find your perfidious Persian staring at you? Wonder what he’s thinking? Well, now you know.

“Okay, you’re got my attention,” you wisely state. “What can I do to save myself from the sinister Siamese that is lurking just inches away from me right now!”

Tragically, there are only two known strategies that can prevent fatality by feline:

  1. Supply copious amounts of birds and small mammals to your cat, keeping their blood lust satiated and preventing them from turning on you.
  2. Get a dog. 

In the meantime, keep your eye on Kitty. It’s a sure bet Kitty’s got eyes on you.

asd

Today’s Fact Cetera

No matter which way his head points, Mickey Mouse’s ears always face forward.

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1 Comment

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One response to “The Peril That Purrs

  1. Mary Bock

    Hannah, our cat, would like to speak to you. Does that worry you? Hey, mammal-up. We keep her very well fed. Although I admit that her stare of total superiority and boredom gets to me sometimes.

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