Time to review some items from the news:
- Your Next U.S. Senator: A California college student tried to rig an election for student body president by stealing passwords and casting 630 votes for himself. When caught, he claimed he was falsely accused and attempted to put the blame on others, but was convicted and sentenced to 1 year in jail. I’m sure when he gets out he’ll seek another elected office. He has, as they say, all the tools.
- Not-So-Good Samaritans: While sailing on Nantucket Sound, two members of the Kennedy clan spotted a 500-pound sea turtle who was entangled in a buoy line. They freed the turtle, and now have been informed by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration that they have violated the Endangered Species Act, which could result in a fine of up to $10,500.00. Some folks just can’t help helping.
- His Heart’s In The Right Place: The Roseland Community Hospital on the south side of Chicago is at risk of closing because of finances, and the co-founder of the Black Disciples street gang is begging for the hospital to remain open. Besides wounded gang members needing emergency care, he said, closing would amount to “genocide” because of all the innocent people exposed to crossfire. Now that’s one caring gang-banger.
- Eyes Up Here, Please: When a female driver had rammed another car in a San Francisco parking-space dispute, the male victim could not tell officers the model car that hit him, and certainly not a license plate number, but he “was able to give a detailed description of the suspect’s cleavage.” No arrest was reported. Everyone has their own version of “vital statistics.”
- Help At Last: Britain’s Anomalous Mind Management Abductee Contactee Helpline provides a range of services to victims of kidnapping by extraterrestrials and other haunting incidents to about 1,500 people a year. AMMACH uses an ordinary wall-stud detector to locate bodily implants and employs magnetic field meters and mineral lamps to identify “signatures” left on a skin’s atoms by visits to another dimensional reality. AMMACH’s co-founder explained, “We are under the threat of termination as a species if we do not get this sorted out.” How can we—as Americans—allow Britain to lead the way in this important scientific endeavor?
- Life Goals Are Important: Two longtime friends ended up in jail after stealing bathing suits and beef jerky during a trip to Wal-Mart. The women told police they hadn’t seen each other in years and stealing from a retail store was on their “bucket list.” As was, I suspect, eating beef jerky while wearing bathing suits.
- Love Hurts: A man and woman in Pennsylvania had a drunken argument that ended in each stabbing the other. The question at hand? Which contestant should win American Idol. There are no winners in a game of losers.
- Vows with Breakfast: The Las Vegas Denny’s has opened the chain’s first wedding chapel, with $95 buying space for the ceremony, a bottle of champagne and a Pancake Puppies cake. Wedding parties also receive 20 percent off their food bills. Might I suggest the Pancake Panorama for the Groom’s Dinner?
- And Finally, Family First: A Charlotte, N.C. woman had her juvenile son arrested for stealing her Pop-Tarts. A Tennessee man bailed from a moving vehicle during an argument with his wife, who was driving, because she “wouldn’t “shut up.” A Pennsylvania couple stabbed each other during a drunken argument about American Idol. And also in Pennsylvania, family members of a man who loved Burger King took his funeral procession through the drive-through. The funeral procession ordered 40 of Whopper Jr’s, including one that was put atop the casket before it was buried. The next time you hear a politician espouse “Family Values”, remember these fine folks.
Yes, Satchmo, it is indeed a wonderful world.
Today’s Fact Cetera
Queen Latifah once worked at Burger King.